We are not defined by others and their opinions

Stop sabotaging yourself with negative thoughts, limiting beliefs and ‘victim’-like self-pity. 

It only brings us lower, makes us more angry and frustrated. Detach from those who serve you no more good, encourage healthier relationships with those whom are there for you and stand by you. Keep your ‘circle’ small but make sure they are decent and there for your highest good in times of need. 

Do not forget to be kind to yourself. Treasure your identity without the comparison to others and their validation. Who are they? Do you really know? What you see is only the façade. What goes on behind closed doors – in most people – we do not see.

Do not sabotage yourself with negative thoughts. Learn to talk to your brain positively and turn every negative into a positive. 

Do not keep banging on closed doors! That is another thing. You keep expecting something from someone who is clearly on another orbit of soul. They cannot do anymore – they have not got it within themselves. So, let go. Do not view it was rejection or abandonment. It is merely their inability to do more. 

They say, ‘do not expect a dog to play the piano’. This is true in all aspects of our life where we feel people let us down. They just cannot and will not be on the same orbit as us in this lifetime. Why then get angry, frustrated and feel let down and make ourselves feel weak when others do not respond to us appropriately? They have not got it within themselves. We are then hurting ourselves with expectations that cannot ever be fulfilled. We need to understand that we are not defined by those around us that give us or not their validation or acceptance, or approval.

We need to first find our self-esteem in order to have a healthier relationship with ourselves and then with the world around us. We need to love ourselves indifferent of others’ love or lack of love for us. We need to stop ‘bending over’ to others’ whimsical likes or dislikes of us. We need to stop sabotaging ourselves if someone does not want us, agree with us, love us, need us…

We are not here to please the world whom we will ultimately never be able to please. Even those closest to us have their own ‘gremlins’ – we cannot be there on standby to please them or seek their validation. This would only lower our self-esteem and hurt us even more.

Why sabotage ourselves with negative thoughts and make ourselves ill? We must think of ourselves as “islands”- floating islands on the sea of Life. Our island 🏝 is all that we need and want. It is equipped with all that we need to make ourselves happy. Why then look at other floating islands and compare ourselves?

What we see is only a ‘mirage’, a perspective of the reality that hides many a time the truth behind sealed walls. And when we compare with others’ floating islands that we can never truly see behind those fortress walls, we end up in a vortex of self-doubt and feeling low about ourselves. We lower our self-esteem.

Learn to be happy on your own island and make the best out of what you are given. Yes, improve it, look after it, ’embellish’ it in many ways as it is yours to keep and work on it, but do not sabotage it by comparing it to others’ islands.

Learn to see the beauty on your island and make the most of it. We are ‘work in progress’ till the day we die. Growth is allowed and can never be stopped by anyone or anything. We are what we make ourselves to be. Not what others make us or, if we allow them, break us.

When we allow someone to be responsible for our ‘victim’ mode, we are not in control of our feelings and happiness anymore. They are.  And unless they change their view of us or how they treat us, they will forever be in control of how we feel about ourselves.

But, just as much as we have allowed them, we can then disallow them.  And then we can be free and independent of them and their opinion of us. We can stop the hurting link.

But when we blame the others and we feel like the ‘victim’, we become incapacitated by our own bondage to that person whom we blame. They become the one that holds our happiness and contentment in their hands. We are waiting for them to change their opinion of us, which may never happen. They may never be able to. Hence, we end up forever feeling sorry for ourselves and unable to surpass our unhappiness. When we no longer accept to be the ‘victim’ of others, we are then free to choose our own new paths and build afresh and be independent of anyone and their opinion of us.

We just need ourselves and need to take full responsibility of where we are in our lives. We can then make new choices and build new paths. 

Who we are can only be determined by who we really want to be. No one can do anything on our island unless we permit them entry.

Why are we “people pleasers”? 

Not knowing your own worth and self-esteem as a result of events and people in your journey of life from early on have “affected” your center of identity. Their negative statements or demands may have regularly put  you in the “not good enough” zone. As a result, you developed a sense of feeling conditioned by limiting beliefs that may not have even reflected the truth but are carried on throughout your life. These weigh you down with habits that don’t serve your highest good and hinder your progress. 

Your voice may not have been heard far too many times. You’ve learnt to bottle up your frustrations and do everything possible to tick someone else’s boxes in the hope that you will get the validation and acceptance that you so deeply crave. 

You may have lost yourself and your essence. You may have become increasingly frustrated, angry and grown accustomed to bending over backwards in order to please all those around you. 

You are in “people pleasing mode”.

Going back as early as your childhood and realising where those negative beliefs started, dealing with them with clarity and detaching from them, allows you to move forward with a new healthy approach of living life true to yourself. This means establishing healthy boundaries and respecting yourself without “people pleasing”.

If the piece of the puzzle doesn’t fit, don’t try to force it in. 

You are not there to please the world. Even if you tried, it would never happen and it would only make you feel unhappier, unfulfilled and always feeling low. 

To avoid “people pleasing”, you need to choose wisely with whom you surround yourself. Those individuals that accept and respect you do not attempt to put you down with their own inadequacies, fears and negativity. 

Accepting a life that is conditioned by others’ wishes, opinions and what they think is right for you, is a life of people pleasing that creates an unhealthy, damaging and unfulfilling journey. 

Learn to change the thoughts and the perspective, and regain your freedom. Stop the damage that you accept out of your own free will.

Nobody forces you to believe you are not good enough. You chose to believe those beliefs of others and their constant demands of conditioning you that you were not enough.

If you chose to allow this, you are the only one that can stop this cycle and allow it no more. The shift in the brain occurs and you replace the negativity with the positive thoughts that you learn to say to yourself. This is known as positive self talk. It is the “Jimminy Cricket” voice that we all have, but we tend to ignore and believe all those around us that we falsely assume know better. 

Your inner voice has to learn to be kind to yourself and support you – you deserve this and you are worthy!

Overcoming self-abandonment issues

What do we even mean by ‘self-abandonment’? There are various forms but, in this post, I am referring to emotional and relational self-abandonment.

Do you struggle to trust yourself? Are you overly critical of yourself? Do you turn to others for the love and healing that you are not giving yourself? Do you value the needs of others over your own and thereby diminish your own feelings?

If this resonates with you, please keep reading. As a life coach, I regularly deal with this issue.

Individuals with self-abandonment issues may suppress their own feelings and goals to please others, be they their family, friends or partner. This leads to further unhappiness, as you are ultimately betraying your own needs. 

You put yourself in other’s shoes and empathise with their situation but do not consider the negative impact this may be having on your own wellbeing and mental health. You may struggle to voice your feelings and opinions. People-pleasers feel like they must always say ‘yes’ to others. Have you ever stopped to think that perhaps you are too altruistic? This may seem like a compliment, but this often is to your own detriment, as they are setting aside and disregarding their own priorities and needs. There is also no need to give a long list of excuses when you turn down a request or invitation for whatever reason that may be. Make time for yourself and focus on your own wellbeing.

Have you stopped to think of your relationship with yourself?

Do you set unrealistically high standards for yourself and then put yourself down when you cannot meet them? When we abandon ourselves, we are constantly ignoring our own needs. Often, people who struggle with self-abandonment issues never quite feel worthy. They tell themselves that they’re not good enough, that they’re not ________ enough. Whichever negative adjective you may choose to fill that blank, you are gradually chipping away at your self-esteem and fuelling the self-abandonment.

In a relationship, it is important that you learn how to build your own sense of worth rather than looking to your partner to give you that or to “complete” you.

This emptiness you feel may be due to unresolved past issues or emotions. This may translate into neediness, which can then lead to controlling and manipulative behaviour with a partner, as you struggle with being alone. If someone rejects you, it is somehow your fault and you automatically are to blame for x or y reason. In reality, that may not be the case. Our own well-being is our own responsibility. You determine your own sense of fulfilment and happiness. We cannot look to others for that. Instead, we must grow to be comfortable alone, in our own presence and with our thoughts. As cliché as this will sound, you need to nurture this most important relationship and show yourself some compassion. 

This may become a vicious cycle of denial and blame, which will continue until you deal with the past, otherwise we will always be running away from ourselves. At its fundamental core, self-abandonment stems from the absence of self-trust. 

The first step to making a change is focusing on self-care and exploration.

Ask yourself these two questions when trying to make that positive change:

1. “Why am I making this decision?”  Do your thoughts involve any negative feelings, such as shame, guilt or fear? If you answer yes, you are mostly likely in self-abandoner mode.
2. “If I had no one else’s influence on my decision making, would I still want to do ________?”  Removing others’ input in your decision making can determine your true feelings on the matter at hand. 

As a therapist and a life coach, I often suggest that it may help you to keep a journal and write down how you are feeling in that very moment. Moreover, this will also allow you to look back and notice the progress that you have made over time in tackling this negative mindset.

Please remember that there is no quick fix.

Becoming a self-abandoner does not happen overnight and likewise we will not suddenly change after one positive train of thought or experience. However, you will soon create a journey of thoughts and experiences which start giving you the confidence in yourself and it will gradually transform into a more natural behaviour pattern.

Zoom meeting , hosted by Matt Uberoi -Community Project Manager at Chelsea Theatre in RBKC (Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea )

Zoom meeting , hosted by Matt Uberoi -Community Project Manager at Chelsea Theatre in RBKC (Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea ) What is Life Coaching and how it can benefit us. #lifecoach#lockdown#therapy#psychologist#happiness#makechangetoday#London

Any life coach will tell you that good self esteem is pivotal in order to achieve an overall better mental health. It is the key stepping stone in order to feel happier and more content in ones life. It is for this reason that obtaining a higher level of self esteem is so vital, however this journey is not one that does not take time and effort.

Nevertheless, I have compiled 10 simplified steps in order to help you achieve a better sense of self esteem in your day to day life.

1. Be proud of how far you have already come ! Look back on your journey and note all the little or big things you have achieved or overcome. This could be as meaningful as getting that job you worked so hard for, or even as simple as cooking yourself a nice meal after a long day. Keep this list and continue to add to it, checking it whenever you are feeling low about yourself. It can be used as a reminder of how great you truly are. Do not only focus on your failures but be sure to always honour your countless successes, big or small.

2.  You come first. Your are your own main character in the story of your life. Society has instructed us from a young age that we should always put others’ needs before our own, to always share and to never be selfish. However true this may be, there is a difference between being selfish and putting your needs first. Making yourself a priority gives one a heightened self esteem for by giving importance to your own needs and desires, you are giving your self a greater sense of importance as well.

3. Find yourself and get to know who you really are. What drives you ? What scares you? Or what is something that you enjoy more than anything ? It might be daunting to begin to get to know oneself but it is so important in the journey of building a greater sense of self esteem.

4. Do not try and please everyone. It is an impossible task and you are almost certainly setting yourself up for failure. Not only will you very rarely manage to please everyone in your life at the same time, but you are also failing to put yourself first by doing so. You must stop giving too much importance to the world around you and instead focus on yourself. Be your own self, no matter what someone else may want you to be. That is a key step to achieving a higher self esteem .

5. Positive reinforcement is also so important. The language we use in our day to day life has been proven to massively impact our moods and especially our self worth. Negative language, where you demean and devalue yourself will almost certainly lead to a low sense of self esteem.

Therefore, by using positively reinforced language we are able to heighten our self worth and ensure that we are more confident.

6.  Do not focus on your failures and mistakes. We are all humans and we will all at one point in our lives experience such. Instead of being too critical when you do fail, instead try view these failures as lessons and begin to refer to them as such. Change your way of thinking to boost your self esteem.

7.  Gratitude. Being grateful is so important when trying to build a greater sense of self esteem. You need to stop comparing yourself to others, good or bad and focus on your self. Do not negate your own feelings and situation by concentrating on what someone else may or may not have. Instead focus on what you have. Focus on what you can be grateful for.

8. Surround yourself with positivity and that also means surrounding yourself with likeminded positive people. Negative people, whether they mean to or not, can massively bring down how you feel about yourself. Instead, surround yourself with those who make you feel good about yourself and raise you up.

9. “No” is a powerful word. It helps you build boundaries which will, in turn, help you remain protected and respected. Learning to say “no” to people is fundamental to feeling better about your self esteem.

10. Love yourself. It has been said over and over again but its importance is paramount. When you love yourself, you attract love and thus live a happier and healthier life. Loving yourself comes in different forms, whether you try to exercise daily ,eating a more healthy diet or even just looking after your mental health. Taking care of yourself is so important when building a greater sense of self esteem.

These 10 steps do simply the issue of self esteem, however, by trying to practise them everyday, little by little you will find that they will in fact become easier and more apparent in your life as your self esteem developed and grows.